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People and words

You gotta laugh

For weeks now people have been using words to make us laugh. Here are a few examples.

My niece Tina told me the following story.

“What just happened to me? It’s getting crazier all the time. And it always happens to me. After weeks in an intelligent lockdown.

Today I went to the supermarket to buy a bag of cat food. In the queue a woman behind me asks whether I’ve got a cat. Because of social distancing she spoke a bit louder, so that everyone could hear. I looked at her, and thought … duh!

Why would I buy cat food? Eh?

But impulsively, I said no, I don’t have a cat. I told her I’m starting again on the cat food diet. And that I actually shouldn’t, because last time I ended up in hospital, although 15 kilos lighter.

I told her the cat food diet is the perfect diet. You only have to put a few bits in your pocket. Every time you get hungry, you take one or two.

By this time the whole queue was listening to my story.

Visibly shocked, the woman asked whether I ended up in hospital because I was poisoned by cat food.

Naturally, I answered, no, I wanted to climb a tree to catch a bird, and then I crashed down.

I thought the man behind her was going to get a heart attack laughing. Fortunately not, because you don’t want to resuscitate someone mouth-to-mouth right now.”

Eleven-year-old Finn told me this joke.

Three boys are walking down a pavement. They’re called: Bog Off, Manners and Shut Up. Suddenly Bog Off runs across the street and gets run over by a car. The other two first don’t know what to do. Then Manners decides to go and pick him up. But Shut Up runs to the police station.

The police officer at the desk asks: “What’s your name?”

“Shut Up.”

The officer asks again: “What is your name and where are your manners?”

“Half way down the road, picking up Bog Off.”

One they used to tell in the Netherlands.

Pudding and Yesterday are two boys. They’ve been bad and were sent to Pudding’s room upstairs. Mum warned them not to disturb her again.

Suddenly Yesterday says: “I have to poop.”

“Me too,” says Pudding, “Let’s do it out of the window.”

As it happens, some of the poop falls on the head of a man, who’s just walking by. He immediately rings the bell: “Your children are pooping on my head.”

Pudding’s Mum answers: “Was it Yesterday?”

“No, today.”

Mum: “Was it Pudding?”

The man, now outraged: “No, it was poop.”

“Well,” says Mum, “Then it couldn’t have been my children.”

Natalie contributed two jokes.

Man: “I almost got bitten by a Great Dane while on my walk today.”
Woman: “Goodness, can you imagine if that had been a small child?”
Man: “I think I could have handled a small child.”

Russian computer: Password needed
Me: Beef Stew
Russian computer: Password not stroganoff